Friday, December 29, 2006

Dr. Laura VS Evolution

I am the proud owner of what I thought was the worst board game in the world: THE DR. LAURA GAME. Yes, I actually own the thing. I cannot begin to describe the complete and abject horror one must undergo to play this game. Just opening the box, you feel like a character in an HP Lovecraft story, about to unleash some unspeakable pan-dimensional horror. "What" you might as, "could possibly be the point of such a game? How do you win?" You draw a card and are presented with a situation like "My daughter came home with a nose-ring. What should I do?". Your answers can be:

a)show her more love.
b)get one yourself.
c)ask your daughter to discuss such things with you in the future.
d)pack your daughters belongings in boxes, dump them on the curb, change the locks, disown her, then have your tubes tied so you'll never bare such demon spawn again.

If you picked a-c, the jaws of Hell have opened just a bit more for you. But if you picked d), then you scored a point! Good for you!

Of course, I'm being sarcastic. But the point of of the game is not to figure out your life, be a better parent or human being, but to become---Dr. LAURA!
The winner is the first person who best answers like her! Mind-melding with her! Won't life be so much simpler once you internalize Dr. Laura's special breed of loathing and tough-love? I pity the poor troubled unfortunate who turns to the Dr. Laura's of this world for help. (I should point out, for anyone who has forgotten: Dr. Laura's mother starved herself to death, shuttered up in her apartment, estranged from her daughter. What nice family dynamics.) The bad news is--for any parent who had their hearts set on raising serial killers--this game is longer sold. But all is not lost. There is now even a more mind-numbingly stupid game to be had:

Intelligent Design versus Evolution!

“Intelligent Design versus Evolution” is a new board game that was designed by actor Kirk Cameron and best-selling author Ray Comfort, to help fight against the what they maintain is the brainwashing of an entire generation...“We are very excited about this game because it...shows that the contemporary theory of evolution is perhaps the greatest hoax of modern times.”...Intelligent Design Versus Evolution is unique in that the playing pieces are small rubber brains...

Rubber brains! I shit you not! Can anything actually be this unintentionally funny? Like others, at first I thought this was a hoax. For a moment, I was actually so naive to believe nobody could ever think up anything this wrong. But once again, my complete lack of faith in humanity was reinforced when I saw the original web site. As advised in the link above, it's best not to be eating or drinking when you check the original pages, as you'll spew all over your keyboard.

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